I’ve broken down some of the retards in this world into a few categories (because lord knows there are way too many different kinds of retard to write about them all here):

The Presidential Year Political Activist retard: This is the person who is completely apolitical, until a presidential election. Then he becomes a Washington insider-grade expert. He also only reads and watches things that are positive toward the candidate of his choosing or negative to the candidate he’s against, and acts like those sights and words are gospel. He also tends to consider SNL, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report news shows, and doesn’t know hypocrisy or lying when it’s his guy being hypocritical or telling lies. Generally he votes democrat and finds jackasses such as Keith Olbermann to be “objective” heroes. On the other hand, the retard who votes republican is usually a republican retard even during presidential election off years (note Fox News Channel’s high ratings), so he at least has that going for him.

The Sports Talk Radio Call-in retard: This guy is the 40 year-old former high school football player (probably a second-string lineman) who hasn’t strapped on shoulder pads or been in a huddle in over 20 years, but knows more about NFL football than the head coach who has been in the league learning its intricacies for decades. He can’t wait until the day after a loss to tell the local listening audience what the team did wrong in a loss and what it should have done to win, but also can’t wait to call in the day after a win to say what could have been done better to win by a larger margin. No matter the situation, he still manages to sound like a dumbass who should stick to being the best HVAC tech he can be and leave the pro sports to the pros.

The Bicycling retard: It’s not the spandex outfits with all the logos of companies on it that aren’t paying him to wear them that makes him retarded. That just makes him look retarded. I’m talking about retard attitude. This guy harps about cars sharing the road with him and how he has as much right to be on there as any other vehicle, and that cars should obey the laws and treat him and his bike as one of them. Then he blows through stop signs, cuts people off to go through red lights and rides in the middle of a road lane, causing a 15 car back-up when there’s plenty of room for him to ride closer to the shoulder and let the cars pass.

I should make this a regular feature.