In regards to September 11, I’m a little tired of TV morning news shows being all somber and talking about never forgetting and all this other bullshit for a day and then the very next day going right back to goofy horseshit like waterskiing squirrels and fun-loving cooking segments. Instead of taking one day a year to never forget, maybe they should spend their days always remembering. I don’t never forget 9/11. I always remember 9/11. It puts things into perspective.

Anyway, yesterday was the Cheese mother’s birthday so we went out to dinner. Here’s something I don’t get about old people, although I don’t know if it’s all old people in all families or just the old people in my family: no matter what the occasion, when a group of we family go out to dinner and the check comes there’s always a knock down drag out battle over who’s going to pay it. No bullshit, there have been major blow-outs that led to not talking to one another for months over picking up the tab. Thanksgiving dinner-quality fights. They’re really pretty awesome.

The most anyone will ever compromise is that they’ll split the check. But someone always has to pick up the biggest part of it. It’s insane.

I’ve made it clear that I have no problem ever picking up a check, but there’s also no way I’m going to fight anyone to do it. If it’s that important to you, have it and thanks for the meal.

Last night when the subject of getting the check and getting out came up, immediately there was angling over who was going to pay it. I heard, “I’ll get it,” and “no you won’t, I will.” You could see ears turning red.

Just then someone at the table announced the battle that night was pointless because the check was already paid. Everyone just looked around and said, “huh?” Turns out my aunt snuck into a huddle with the waitress and paid the check when no one was looking. She was triumphant in her subversion in order to pay.

For once, it diffused a fight. So that’s how it is in my family. You have to sneak into the darkest parts of a restaurant like Delta Force to pay a check for everyone’s dinner.

And people wonder why I’m the way I am.