I recently received the following letter regarding a credit card I have. I don’t think I ever even used the card and I can’t remember what possessed me to get it in the first place:

I thought it’d be interesting to translate some parts of the letter. Like where it says:

…we noticed that it has been a long period of time since you last used your [...] card.

It really means:

We’re really disappointed that you’re not in debt to us at 23.99% interest and making minimum payments just to keep your head above water.

And where it says:

To help you manage your credit accounts, we have closed your account.

It really means:

Because we haven’t suckered you into owing us your first born, we’re going to cut you loose to look for a real dumb schmuck.

Where it says:

…we may not be meeting your current needs.

It really means:

It’s unfortunate for us that you’re not needing to pile up debt in order to keep clothes on your back and a roof over your head (yet).

Where it says:

…you may be eligible for another [...] card product…

It really means:

If we can find a way to put you under our thumb some other way that’ll work for us we’re all for it.

Where it says:

If there’s anything we can do to assist you…

It really means:

Fuck off and stop being so responsible with your credit card use.

I had a credit card once with a zero balance on it that I tried to cancel and got so much resistance from the card holder (Capital One) that I had to repeat over and over, “cancel my account, cancel my account” until I finally had to yell at a supervisor to cancel my account or I’d start recording the conversation, so I give credit to these people for taking it upon themselves to cut me loose.

But they still suck.