Yes, it is a rare double posting day here on the ranch.
I am back and mostly recovered from my first ever colonoscopy. All I can really say about it is when they wheeled me into the O.R. I asked the nurse to not let the doctor violate me too harshly. She laughed! Bitch! Then the anesthesia whatever said she was giving me something to make me relax and the next thing I knew I was in the recovery room with someone hovering over me and asking me if I wanted a ginger ale. I hate ginger ale, but I said yes. It was delicious.
A few moments later a nurse noted my pulse rate, which was hovering between 48 and 52, and asked if I was a runner. I said I was and that I ran a half marathon a couple days ago. I don’t think she believed me! Bitch! Then the doctor came in and showed me pictures of the inside of my colon and said there were some places that weren’t all the way cleaned out, implying as though I fudged my prep a little. Fuckin douche. I did everything I was supposed to. It’s not my fault my fecal matter is as tough as the rest of me.
Then he was gone and some nurse removed my I.V., told me to get dressed, and after I did she told me I could go home and get something to eat (thank god), but to not eat anything too heavy.
Upon leaving, stop #1 was Five Guys. It was delicious.
And now I’m home. The End.
I’d like to tell all the people who’ve begged me for money in the name of some dumb thing they believe in or are supporting lately — and it’s been shockingly many — to go fuck themselves. That includes the broad who sent the email out to 200 people talking about what a challenge it was for her to prepare for some dumb walking thing this past weekend where she was going to be walking 26 miles over two days or something and that it was “so worth it” because it was for such a good cause and that I should have given her money because she’s such a good person to have taken on such a task for something she has such belief in. I was like, you know what dumbass? That’s not shit. Run a marathon with one leg for fun if you want to impress me. Go walk your sorry able-bodied ass around a lake all weekend and act like you’re sacrificing yourself because you think you’re so great, but do it without my money.
Everywhere I turn people are expecting me or asking me to support them for doing something for some special cause. Fuck that. You know what I do when I want to support a cause/charity/anything? I support it directly. Stop making it seem like everyone is an unthinking, uncaring shitbag but you and we all need you to tell us what’s good and what we should believe in and where we should send our charity. I’m a grown-up. I can figure that shit out for myself.
And if I want to keep my money and my support closer to home, that’s my business and my right too. Fucking ass cracks.
Only in America can people make something like helping others or giving to a charity all about them.