I stumbled across a funny-because-it’s-about-a-dumb-redneck story today about some fat ass who bitched about being charged double for eating at a Louisiana buffet. Seems he and his in-law would frequent a buffet that only charged around $12 and featured goodies such as crab legs on it three times a week for eight months. Supposedly, they’d eat all the most expensive things on the buffet and sit around and wait until the staff brought out more, which they’d then proceed to wipe out again.

The killer quote in the article is thus:

[Fat guy Ricky] Labit and [fat in-law buddy Michael] Borrelli said they felt discriminated against because of their size. “I was stunned, that somebody would say something like ["Y'all fat, and y'all eat too much"]. I ain’t that fat, I only weigh 277,” Borrelli said, adding that a waitress told him he looked like he a had a “baby in the belly.”

Hate to break the news, but unless Borrelli is 6′8″ then he is a fat fucker (Labit is 6′3″ and 265, which requires a lot of chow for him to keep that size). I seriously doubt he’s 6′8″ or the staff at the restaurant would have been afraid to say anything. They’re just a bunch of asians who barely speak english, so they must have been getting really pissed off about these fat guys eating all their best things off the buffet all the time. Thinking about them being so steamed is kind of funny too though.

I feel for the restaurant. There’s a sushi buffet near where I live that I’ll frequent every once in a while. The sushi isn’t world class, but there’s a lot of variety, it’s relatively cheap, and if you get there early it’s really, really fresh. They put their sushi out as it gets made, which means the sushi chefs are always working. But there’s always some jackass standing around waiting for the salmon or shrimp or eel nigiri and the second it comes out they’ll take the entire plate, around 12 pieces of sushi. What the fuck is that? Just because you pay for it doesn’t mean you should make it a priority that no one gets the sushi you like — and which happens to be some of the most costly shit on the table — but you. I mean fuck, take 2 or 3 pieces if you want, but there’ll be more for your greedy ass in 10 minutes when you’re ready for more. Let someone else get a piece.

Anyway, all these buffets could learn a lesson from one I visited in Queens, NYC last week. It had more rules than I’ve ever seen in a restaurant. First, there was a 1.5 hour time limit. Then, if you took an assload of something and decided you didn’t like it, you’d get charged an extra 20% on your bill for wasting food. Third, they had a tiered buffet pricing scheme. If you wanted the basics (which were pretty kick ass by dopey Baltimore standards) you paid one price. If you wanted access to everything then you paid more for the privilege. I’m sure that place put up with enough fat fuckers coming in and being hogs and came up with a way to keep them in check. Too bad some poor little podunk buffet in Louisiana had to learn its own hard lesson about that.