Today is my daughter’s third birthday. I’m not going to write a touching, heartfelt ode to her creation and growth to this point on my blog for “the internet” to see. It’s dumb when dumbass mommybots do it and it’s even dumber when dumbass pussy fathers do it. If I want to get warm and fuzzy about my daughter I’ll do it for her and in a way she can understand my feelings for her. It’s not the business of “the internet” and I don’t need to illustrate for it that I appreciate the (supposed) joy of parenthood like parental braggarts do. Memo to mommybots and pussy dads: You’re supposed to be good parents and give a shit about your kids. Stop patting yourself on the back for doing what’s expected of you.
However, days like this does make a man reflect. For instance, I was in the O.R. for the wife’s c-section three years ago today. I was fascinated by the work the doctor was doing and was craning my neck to look into the blood and guts after the baby was yanked out. The highlight was seeing the wife’s uterus resting on her sternum while the OB was in there taking inventory and dusting out the cobwebs or whatever she was doing.
Knowing how much I enjoyed seeing a person sliced open with her guts hanging out (not to mention how much fun it was to scrape roasted Iraqis off the insides of T-62s back in the day), I can’t figure out why I can’t make it 5 seconds into 2 Girls 1 Cup without bailing on it.
Someone once said to me, “if you like me you should like my shit.” I guess I just don’t like those two girls.
It may be your daughter’s birthday, but I feel like getting this for you.
Well, it is the season for giving…
That’s nasty. Why do I click on those links? I’ve known you for such a long time, by now I should know enough not to click on your links. My curiosity just always gets the best of me! Know what else is nasty? Go google Ed Gein. Today is the 50th anniversary — Ed Gein was the psycho killer from central Wisconsin (yup, the guy lived just a hop, skip and a jump from where I live) that killed women, robbed graves, and decorated his home with the skin and skulls of other human beings. It’s really some sick stuff. You’ll love it — go do some research.
I know all about Ed Gein. One of the first sites I stumbled upon when I finally got connected to the internet in West Bumfuck had a nice write-up about him. Another of my favorites on that site: Edmund Kemper, who’s still alive and well.
Another choice site from back in the day, Dan’s Gallery of the Grotesque, which had the awesome Natural Born Losers exhibit that featured pictures of a dismemberment by two naked lovers who couldn’t stop taking pictures of themselves with severed body parts, has sadly fallen by the internet’s wayside.
Hey, happy birthday to your daughter!
(I’m just going to ignore the stuff about the C-section for my own self-preservation…)