I have come to the opinion that the cellular telephone is simultaneously the greatest and worst gadget of all time. Several years ago when I blew out two tires in a snow storm I would have been extremely grateful to sit in the car with the heat on and call for help rather than walk two miles home in less than optimal clothing and footwear for the conditions. Alas, I left my phone in the house that day because I hated carrying that electronic leash around with me all the time.

On the other hand, nothing makes me want to go back to communicating across distances great and small using morse code more than assholes talking on cell phones on aeroplanes. Is it really necessary to stay on the phone until the last possible moment when all you’re doing is telling the person on the other end how much longer you can talk until you’re not allowed to talk anymore? And if the machine you sold some company has a broken rod that’s keeping the company from using it — again — and you need to get a technician out there to fix it RIGHTNOWBECAUSETHEY’REREALLYPISSEDABOUTTHIS — again, shouldn’t you keep it kind of quiet so the people around you can’t hear that you sell shitty products you have a hard time supporting?

And is anything more annoying than the people who seem to think they MUST get on their phones to tell someone, anyone they’re on the ground the second they’re on the ground?

Fuckin phones. For the record, I thought about making a call to announce my return to the hometown. However, that was after the plane landed, I disembarked, walked to baggage claim, claimed my baggage, walked to the parking lot shuttle, got on the shuttle, got off the shuttle, got to my car, warmed it up for a few minutes and started driving. And I still decided against it. Fuck ‘em. Let it be a surprise that I’m back.

And that’s it about cellular telephones to me. They completely remove the element of surprise. They make it so that everyone knows what everyone is doing and where everyone is all the time. And that’s not even talking about smartphones, blackberrys and the like. It’s impossible to just drop out for a few days without people freaking out about not being able to get in touch. And for some reason that makes people feel important.

In other news, for my aeroplane ride I had at my disposal to kill time the following: a Nintendo DS, notebook computer, DVDs, mp3 player. Which did I choose to help me forget I was sitting on a 14″ wide cushion crammed into a sardine can? The paperback I picked up while walking through the terminal to get to my gate. I’m old school.